The first EZFKAFL Grand Final in Perth will be played over a six-week period, after Premier Mark McGowan ruled players will be required to quarantine for 14 days between quarters. McGowan is also demanding that players wear masks on the field at all times and that he reserved the right to cancel the game at … Read more
Chief Health Officers in respective EZFKA states have been announced as headline acts for the 2022 Melbourne International Comedy Festival. The 2022 event, sponsored by Pfizer, will feature the best of Australia’s material from daily press conferences performed live. “It’s been non-stop comedy gold every day at 11am, so we thought why don’t we ask … Read more
“When we get to that stage, I’ll be announcing what goalposts we’ll be shifting and what freedoms will be made dependent on what booster shots are available at the time and then changing them a week later,” Andrews said.
“Absolutely selfish behaviour from these small business owners that have lost everything trying to take their own lives when there’s a pandemic on,” Karvelas said.
“The prick tried to rip off a struggling small business owner. We’re all in this together though right?,” Mark, owner of the Safe Labor Seat Café in Dandenong, said to reporters.
“I got what I wanted in the end. A few self-interested rants on Sky News during lockdown was all it took to get my own way, so fuck everyone else I’m alright Jack,” Penman said.
“Whether it’s Jerome Weimar making claims about COVID going through windows or some crusty old, overweight Police Commissioner giving threats, your IQ will lower significantly listening to that vacuous bullshit,” Dr Greg Greggson said.
In a highly anticipated move, Prime Minister Scott Morrison called an urgent press conference to announce that property investors would be moved to a new priority category as part of the national COVID vaccination rollout plan. Additional cash incentives would also apply under a newly announced Property/Realestate Investor Keeper scheme. “The details are yet to … Read more
“I’ve only got one trick and that’s to keep the borders closed. After that, fuck knows. I’ll call Kerry Stokes and get the West Australian to write some glowing, sycophantic bullshit to get more support,” McGowan said.
Research conducted by the Institute for No-one Intelligent Actually Believes This Shit, has shown overwhelmingly that journalists for mainstream networks have become nothing more than corporate stenographers and need a good beating.
However, critics have said that the claim is ‘the usual unscientific bullshit’ and just being used to stimulate economic activity to inflate Victoria’s GDP.
“We all know these camps are for political dissenters under the pretense of quarantine, they just come out and say it yet. And if we take that on face value and performance politically speaking, then it’s clear the Queensland Premier should be quarantined forever.”