Albanese slams LNP record levels of debt, vows to triple it if elected
RBA Governor Phil Lowe says he remains committed to ‘lowering rates and opening the gates’ regardless of who is in Kirribilli House.
Satire
Andrews delays urgent pandemic bill to give him more time to bribe or blackmail another crossbencher
Federal Labor leader Anthony Albanese has also authorised the deployment of Aldi bags full of cash from the NSW Labor branch, to ensure the integrity of the vote from the crossbench.
Andrews gives Victoria Police ‘shoot to kill’ orders if Adem Somyurek seen approaching parliament house
Somyurek filed his vaccination papers today indicating he can attend parliament to vote. Andrews has offered cash payments of $100,000 to any Police member who takes out Somyurek within 100 metres of parliament house, with a free red shirt for any head shot.
Inquiry finds Victoria Police budget blowout caused by excessive spending on pepper spray and rubber bullets
Commissioner Shane Patton has denied allegations that the organisation brought it on themselves by using the $5000 an hour Police chopper for mask enforcement.
Tanya Plibersek sets record for longest serving female MP that’s done absolutely fuck all
Plibersek was honoured to accept the awards, however was disappointed that she couldn’t have done less during her tenure.
Unvaccinated Animal Justice Party voter whose dog died from being refused access to vet thanks Andy Meddick for protecting animals
John Roberts, 47, watched his pet staffy Woofa die a slow, painful death due to a stomach infection, after several vets refuse to treat him due to his unvaccinated status.
Daniel Andrews starts quietly Googling property prices in Beijing
It is understood that Catherine Andrews has reservations about moving to Beijing, due to the ‘high volume of traffic and number of cyclists.’
Melbourne protestors apologise for nooses by bringing more structurally sound, realistic noose to protest
The gallows brought to the protest on Saturday was widely panned for being more ‘symbolic than functional’ and that it would be ‘impossible to actually hang anyone from.’ However, a separate one brought to the protest last night received critical acclaim for it’s functionality and realism.
Adam Bandt calls for ban on volcanoes to meet net zero targets as COP26 wraps up in Glasgow
Bandt, speaking from his private charter jet on with Sarah Hanson-Young, called for all volcanoes to be permanently imploded as well as a ban on lava.
McGowan says he’s determined to crash his approval rating faster than the iron ore price
As the price drops below $90USD a ton, McGowan says he’s been doing everything he can to come across as a right prick, particularly when it comes to keeping the border closed.
Melbourne protestors slammed for not bringing enough nooses
Protestors have vowed to bring a guillotine and are believed to be sourcing a wall for a firing squad, once trials across Australia are completed.
Andrews agrees to amend pandemic legislation and then pass the full bill later when no-one is paying attention
The controversial legislation, which saw record protests on the weekend, will be watered down initially to placate the public. The full raft of measures is estimated to pass around January when people aren’t paying attention.