Satire

‘There’s nothing wrong with taking a few precautions, much like John Howard wearing a vest in Sale in 1996,” Morrison said.

“I mean, it will only create a giant centralised information hub that can ban you from society at the push of a button for saying something we don’t like online, but remember it’s total optional.”

“Everyone in the room was shocked, they’d been asking Dorothy Dixers and leading questions for months,” Stevenson said.

“Whether it’s Dr Norman Swan getting it wrong all the time, the Doherty Institute’s cash-for-comment alarmism or any state premier press conference, there is a dearth of content to choose from,” a spokesman said.

The study, conducted by the Rodney King Institute, found that violence only begins once Victoria Police arrive and open fire on unarmed protestors.

“I’d like to make the point again, we spent the last 18 months destroying your lives, so you should be grateful you’re getting freedoms back that aren’t ours to give back anyway.”

“If you’ve ordered a latte and it’s really a cappuccino then you will be dealt with,” Commissioner Shane Patton said.

“All we did was continually poll a bunch of frightened middle-class public servants and formulate policy off of that. What other possibility was there?”

“It’s becoming increasingly hard to stay within the monetised YouTube algorithm, while delivering ‘edgy’ takes on team red vs team blue politics. I was funny years ago, but now most intelligent people have moved on,” Shanks said.

EZFKA PM Scott Morrison and Greens’ leader Adam Bandt have announced a historic merger after realising their open borders, employment and climate policies are identical. The two parties announced the merger at the climate conference in Glasgow this morning, right after the LNP and ALP merged last month. It is also believed “The New Liberals” … Read more

“I’m delighted to facilitate the silent overthrow of the least densely populated territory in Australia, which contains a large number of our key defence facilities.”

Morrison, who is currently in the process of amending the Biosecurity Act to detain large groups of people, said the book would be censored immediately to keep the public safe.