Timbo

“I’d like to make the point again, we spent the last 18 months destroying your lives, so you should be grateful you’re getting freedoms back that aren’t ours to give back anyway.”

“If you’ve ordered a latte and it’s really a cappuccino then you will be dealt with,” Commissioner Shane Patton said.

“All we did was continually poll a bunch of frightened middle-class public servants and formulate policy off of that. What other possibility was there?”

“Never have we seen so many people needing peer validation for undergoing a medical procedure. Want to know if they’ve been vaccinated? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you,” Dr Nick Berenson said.

The staircase also known as John, which Andrews claims he slipped on and caused his six-month absence from politics, was issued the subpoena last night and has agreed to go on record before IBAC.

“We only saw blatant corruption activities from Indians, Cambodians and Vietnamese. This is clearly discriminatory to all other migrant groups,” Diversity Council CEO Ben Schafer said.

“We’ve just spent the last 18 months bankrupting everyone with complete bullshit to the point of being unable to pay your mortgage. So, here we come with the prepared solution and this is how we’ll get your house, I mean, help realise the Aussie dream.”

“It’s a huge honour for us but honestly it hasn’t been hard. We’re the most useless fucking party in all of Australia at the state level,” Guy said.

“He’s been the best advertisement for economic suicide of a first world nation in a generation,” President Xi Jinping said.

“Rising sea levels are the challenge of our time, just not anywhere around where I live obviously.”