Victoria Police disappointed they haven’t shot any protestors recently
Over 20,000 marched in the city on the weekend to protest the pending pandemic legislation, with many officers upset they had to stand back and watch rather than open fire.
Timbo
McGowan calls Joe Biden after shitting his pants looking at the iron ore price
McGowan called the President for advice on how to deal with the public embarrassment and coping strategies, as iron ore continues to plummet below $100 a ton.
Jacinda Ardern forced into self-isolation with hurt feelings after being confronted with question she didn’t pre-approve
“People need to understand that words are violence and that asking unauthorised questions are considered an act of terrorism. I would like to remind New Zealand that the government is the sole source of accredited truth.”
The Age to relocate to Daniel Andrews’ electorate office in Noble Park
Fairfax Chairman Peter Costello said the move had been in the works for some time and brushed off suggestions it was a conflict of interest.
Vaccine passports scrapped after Victorians tell retailers ‘I can’t recall’ when asked if they are fully vaccinated
Local man Robbo, 32, stated the 21st century version of the Soviet passport system can ‘go and get fucked.’
Phil Lowe unconcerned about inflation as it will ‘only affect poorer Australians’
After inflation jumped 2% for the first time in six years, the governor said he wasn’t concerned in the slightest as ‘only poorer Australians and not property owners’ will be affected.
Morrison weighs in for monthly token criticism of Andrews before going back to turning a blind eye
The PM was scathing about Andrews’ power grab, but vowed to keep turning a blind eye and pretending there was a difference in the uniparty.
Morrison announces new “Judge Buy Back Program” to ensure ‘integrity of mandate challenges’
“This is to ensure the integrity of the process. I still haven’t mandated vaccines and they are not compulsory so there is nothing to really worry about.”
Study finds Australia’s deadliest pandemic has claimed zero lives of first responders
The study, conducted by the Who the Fuck Still Believes This Shit Institute, found that no Police, Ambos, Doctors, Nurses or Firies have succumbed to the virus despite being at the forefront of it for the last 18 months.
Scott Morrison unveils LNP re-election strategy of implementing left-wing policies from five years ago
Morrison has stated Cabinet had agreed to copy and paste both the ALP and Greens policies from the 2016 election and pass them off as their own.
Victoria Police provide Extinction Rebellion protestors tea and scones after traffic shut down in CBD
The protestors, trying to manufacture consent for the destruction of the Australian economy, blocked off parts of the Melbourne CBD and were rapidly attended to by officers bearing refreshments.
Andrews temporarily allows unvaccinated to shop so he can blame another lockdown on them
The Premier’s announcement means unvaccinated can enter retail shops until mid-November, giving contact tracers enough time to make up some cases and manufacture consent for another lockdown.