Jacqui Lambie to quit politics at next election for board position at Pfizer
Lambie was reportedly offered 7 figures in exchange for her soul, with Satan and Pfizer CEO Albert Boula agreeing to terms with the independent earlier this year.
Timbo
NSW resident unsure of which property developer to vote for in upcoming council elections
David Erikson from the North Shore, said it was a hard decision voting for which proxy of billionaire property moguls will destroy his suburb with high rise apartments and mass immigration.
Study shows COVID Marshalls and Authorised Officers should go get a fucking real job
The study, conducted by the Pay Us Protection Money Institute, found that black shirted government officials enforcing COVID mandates were essentially useless and should ‘go fuck themselves.’
Sydney man excited for mass immigration to re-commence so he can be run over on the footpath by Uber Eats riders
Mark Morrison, of Newtown, said he was delighted to see the vibrancy of excessively dangerous driving from third worlders back in the CBD and suburbs.
Sportsbet now has Michael Gunner as favourite to reveal himself as the Anti-Christ
Gunner is currently paying $1.05 after slightly nudging out Jacqui Lambie, Daniel Andrews and Scott Morrison for the top spot. Gunner’s recent unhinged performances on television this past week have him as the favourite to bring the book of revelation to reality.
Andrews gives Victoria Police ‘shoot to kill’ orders if Adem Somyurek seen approaching parliament house
Somyurek filed his vaccination papers today indicating he can attend parliament to vote. Andrews has offered cash payments of $100,000 to any Police member who takes out Somyurek within 100 metres of parliament house, with a free red shirt for any head shot.
Inquiry finds Victoria Police budget blowout caused by excessive spending on pepper spray and rubber bullets
Commissioner Shane Patton has denied allegations that the organisation brought it on themselves by using the $5000 an hour Police chopper for mask enforcement.
Tanya Plibersek sets record for longest serving female MP that’s done absolutely fuck all
Plibersek was honoured to accept the awards, however was disappointed that she couldn’t have done less during her tenure.
Unvaccinated Animal Justice Party voter whose dog died from being refused access to vet thanks Andy Meddick for protecting animals
John Roberts, 47, watched his pet staffy Woofa die a slow, painful death due to a stomach infection, after several vets refuse to treat him due to his unvaccinated status.
Daniel Andrews starts quietly Googling property prices in Beijing
It is understood that Catherine Andrews has reservations about moving to Beijing, due to the ‘high volume of traffic and number of cyclists.’
Melbourne protestors apologise for nooses by bringing more structurally sound, realistic noose to protest
The gallows brought to the protest on Saturday was widely panned for being more ‘symbolic than functional’ and that it would be ‘impossible to actually hang anyone from.’ However, a separate one brought to the protest last night received critical acclaim for it’s functionality and realism.
Melbourne criminals start wearing red shirts so Victoria Police won’t arrest them
General duties officers say they’re powerless to stop crooks and that Police command directives are a boon for criminals.