Minister Sinister

“People still naively believe in these institutions and that anything will happen to these people, well they’d be insanely wrong,” a spokesman for IBAC said.

Senior Constable Chris Kennedy, of the Dandenong Police Station, said chronic fatigue was setting in after rounding up over 200 people in the last week and charging them for ‘incitement.’

“No-one will ever know what the real statistics are and how would you know anyway, we’ll just claim anything and repeat it a million times through the media until the midwits repeat it as gospel too.”

“Kerry really gave the game away when she muttered New World Order at the press conference a few weeks ago,” Premier Dominic Perrottet said.

“It’s a tell-all book from my journey on my knees in the dark rooms of Fyshick to being on my knees worshipping the dark lord in Spring Street,” Patten said.

Coming off the back of it’s cringey “Mask Up and Melbourne On” campaign, the convicted rapist will star in a series of ads urging Victorians to disrobe and insert something into their bodies against their will in order to feed their families.

“We’re proud to announce that no man may buy or sell, save he who have the mark of the vaccine passport,” Morrison said.

Qantas CEO Alan Joyce has announced that any passengers on it’s international services will have to submit to COVID anal swabs performed by flight attendants, every 15 minutes while onboard the flight. The move, instantly approved by Joyce, comes as the airline looks to commit economic suicide and become the next best shorting opportunity for … Read more

Melbourne Mayor Sally Capp has announced that unvaccinated individuals will be banned from entering any City of Melbourne facility and from participating in the Melbourne CBD’s economy. After footage of empty shopfronts in the Melbourne CBD circulated online, Capp defended criticism that this was retarded and essentially akin to racial segregation. “I may have spent … Read more

Reason Party MLC Fiona Patten has entered Victoria Police protection this evening, after deleting all of her social media accounts and disappearing from the internet, claiming ‘trolls.’ However, Patten is believed to have already signed the extension to the state of emergency powers, and has sought Police protection from the impending wave of pitchforks and … Read more

Officially named the “June 4 Unit”, the officers who are all fluent in Mandarin and noted for their distinctive blue helmets, will be rolled out across Victoria to assist Victoria Police in enforcing lockdown.