Porter keeps job, keeps cash

In a dark day for EZFKA, former Attorney General Christian Porter has resigned from Scott Morrison’s ministry after revealing he had accepted an anonymous donation to help cover his personal legal fees. Mr Porter’s future in federal parliament had been in doubt following revelations that a “blind trust” had paid for his discontinued defamation case against the ABC.

Porter was unrepentant, blaming social media and lamenting that, “It might not have come to this if only I’d attended that “How to Win at Twitter” talk.” In an ironic twist, one of the headline speakers at that seminar, Victorian Liberal MP Tim Smith who has no legal qualifications was promoted to the state Shadow Attorney General position following a recent leadership reshuffle. In his trademark combative style, Smith proudly noted that, “I won my role from fucking up Dan Andrews. Maybe Porter should have done something similar instead of fucking up dead 16-year-olds.”

It was not all bad news for Porter who was allowed to keep the money, estimated to be in excess of a million dollars, on compassionate grounds. “Even though he’ll still earn a wage on the backbench, the difference will make up for lost opportunities so this is obviously a fair outcome,” a spokesperson for Porter said.

Scott Morrison was keen to brush things over before his upcoming holiday to the USA. “Just like Barnaby (Joyce) and Bridget (McKenzie), we felt Christian needed some time on the backbench to think about what he’s done,” announced Morrison who was also quick to reassure the public that high standards around corruption would still be maintained. “After we win the next election, if he’s re-elected Christian will definitely be back in cabinet. If he’s not, we’ve already lined up an overseas ambassadorship for him. It’s the EZFKA way, and if the plebs haven’t forgotten by then we’ll probably have done something even more outrageous to distract them.”

When asked about former Labor member Sam Dastyari, who was forced to resign from parliament over accepting a 40,000 dollar donation, Morrison stated that after adjusting for inflation the numbers involved were much more than what Porter had been given so it wasn’t a fair comparison.

With news of the outcome, Parliament house was reportedly abuzz with activity as government backbenchers scrambled to get deals done for their own blind trusts. Insiders revealed that one MP who wasn’t worried about missing out was Gladys Liu, who had apparently already secured a few million from anonymous Chinese government sources prior to the last election.